Hello there!

Hope you’re well. Just a quick one to let you know that tickets for my 2012 “Life Sentences” tour are now onsale!!! Just goto the live page.

I’m doing 41 dates up and down England Scotland and Wales –  It’s the biggest tour I’ve ever done, so come along, it’d be great to see you, cos without you lot, I am nothing, just a slightly deranged, warm-hearted man standing there, shouting at an empty room, sleeping in the back of my car, weeping, then moving on to the next town.

I’ve never done merchandise on a tour, maybe I will this year. I’ve started making my own beer, but I don’t know whether I can sell that legally without Mr. Osbourne wanting a piece of it, so maybe I’ll just sell “orange squash” *wink wink* instead. If you have any ‘merch requests’ send me a message here or on twitter and I’ll have a word with the guys at my factory. Yep, you heard right, I’ve got a factory. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone, they’ll tell you I have.

Either way the shows coming along great, I think it’s the best stand-up I’ve done and I’d love to do it at you… That sounds weird,  I mean for you… That still sounds weird… but stand up is weird really isn’t it.

Also don’t bring your kids, unless they are grown-ups. Even if you’re one of these cool trendy parents who say “Oh Henry’s only 14, but he’s sooooooooo grown up”, I don’t care he’s 14 and I don’t want to talk about my bottom – or much worse or whatever – in front of him.

Anyhow friends – I gotta go, leave my wife – My Wife! We got married! –  with the kids and go to work – Helen calls it me “going on holiday”- I know! The nerve!…and work on this funny piece of coal, so by the time you see it, it’ll be a diamond, but still with the right amount of charming coal still sitting grubbily in there so it’s not all too shiny, because life’s messy and that’s the way it’s meant to be. Otherwise it would be extremely dull.

Til then, take it easy, have the day off on me, I’ll ring your boss if they’re difficult about it, I don’t know them, I’ll tell to stick it up their pipe.

Lots of Love


Leave a Reply

facebook this